Neurotypical LGBT people have to do better than just reblogging positivity posts about how “autistic lgbt people are valid uwu.” Disabled people don’t have marriage equality, we are more likely to live in poverty, face discrimination from parents, have mental health issues, endure conversion therapy (because we all know that’s what ABA really is) and have our identities doubted.
Actually TALK about these problems, research them, do what you’re able to. Obviously, don’t burn yourself out or beat yourself up, but take the time to acknowledge that we still face a lot at the intersection of autistic and LGBT.
I saw a post about the difference between a soft can’t and a hard can’t and thought I’d do some words about the concept (post linked here)
a “soft can’t” is also a “really shouldn’t”.
“I can’t talk to my old abuser” is, for me, a soft can’t. I technically can and I’m often forced to - but doing so is horrible for my mental health and puts me in danger.
a “hard can’t” is what most consider a “true can’t”
“I can’t go 4 days without water” is a hard can’t. If I - or anyone else tried - they’d likely die (I know the ‘rule’ is 3 but it does depend on health, hydration when you start, climate, etc…)
Here’s the thing - people accept a “soft can’t” all the time.
They can’t own a cat because they’re allergic (they can, but it’s bad for their health).
So why is a “soft can’t” ignored when it comes from a disabled person?
I can’t stop stimming (I can, but it would lead to more meltdowns and impact my mental health) I can’t stop wearing my bracelets (I can, but they’re comfort items as well as weight + tactile stims so I get incredibly anxious without them)
Even more so - why is a “hard can’t” ignored when it comes from a disabled person?
I can’t stand still for more than a few minutes (I have orthostatic hypotension and standing still for more than a few minutes means I won’t be standing anymore) I can’t stand in general for more than a few minutes (specifically on a bad day, but see above for reasoning)
Nearly everybody I’ve told this has brushed it off (especially PE teachers - including the one who was there for the incident that got it diagnosed)
There’s this ableist idea that the default is for people to have zero disabilities
and mental illnesses. That’s why there’s a concept of there being
“too many diagnoses” - because people totally assume there’s like, a Perfectly
Normal Human to begin with and that that idealized body has zero brain
issues or disabilities.
And that’s so wrong. That’s just as wrong
as assuming non-intersex, cishet middle-class white guys are the
Perfectly Normal Human of which everyone else is an imperfect copy.
We’re not made from a mould. We have endless variations
and they aren’t divergence from some Perfectly Normal Copy,
they’re literally the way life functions. There is no perfect copy. There are only variations, some of which have the privilege of being normalized.
But privileged people
see themselves as the default, and “too many differences” can seem “made up” to them, because they’re not used to relating to people who are different. Unfortunately we mentally ill/disabled
people absorb this idea too and it’s really hard to unlearn it when
we’re stuck in a society that’s constantly reinforcing it.
We
have to be gentle with ourselves and with each other and work on
normalizing variations like mental illnesses, disabilities, etc., so the
focus can be on meeting the needs of people who have them instead of
just surviving ableism.
People are “dependent in socially acceptable ways” and “dependent in socially unacceptable ways”.
In other words it’s socially acceptable to be dependent because you’re rich and therefore can pay others to do everything for you
And it’s socially unacceptable to be dependent because not only do you have the inability to do certain things alone but it’s also possible that your parents are partially responsible for the fact that you don’t have social cues for important things.
It’s socially acceptable to be dependent on your employees to become rich but not socially acceptable to be poor and dependent on taxpayers.
It’s socially acceptable for a grown man with no disabilities to be dependent on his wife for simple household tasks, but not socially acceptable to be disabled and dependent on a caregiver.
Thank you for describing that better, but also it’s acceptable to have an assistant speak for you if you’re rich, but not if you’re disabled and poor.
Whenever someone says things like “well some of us have to work” or “not everyone can stay at home all day” I get an actual physical pain in my chest. Saying something like that to a disabled person who cannot work is one of the cruelest things you can say because believe it or not we actually want to be able to work. we don’t want to be stuck at home 24/7. most of us have this longing to be productive members of society but we just can’t because of our disabilities. If you’ve ever said anything like that to a disabled person who can’t work then you should be ashamed of yourself.
For all of you stuck in quarantine, and are having a hard time with it.
Promise you will never tell a disabled person “at least you don’t have to work” “I wish I could stay home at sit on my ass all day” or “your just dolebludgers that sit at home being lazy” ever again, when disabled people say they have to stay home and rest.
Being housebound SUCKS!
Sure, work also sucks but at least you get to socialize, do different things, and feel productive. (And you’re likely not SICK. Unless your in the US because WTF???)
I waste away at home almost constantly. I’ve seen every movie I own at least 20 times. The novelty wears off REALLY QUICKLY when your alone. The bordem and isolation, they send you batshit crazy. It’s awful. Plus, again, I’m incredibly sick. (I know some of you are too, but many are not.)
But yeah, this is why it’s so ableist to treat disabled people who have to stay at home like they’re somehow “lucky, entitled and lazy”. We don’t enjoy it. It’s really hard. Please be more mindful.
We were in “quarantine” before the pandemic, we’ll be in it after the pandemic. We’ll have to watch you all get on with your lives when its over, while we are still stuck at home.
Remember what this feels like, and remember that some live like this every day.
(Not saying all of you are like this, but if you are, please learn from this moment. Disabled (including mentally ill, chronically ill, and permanently injured) aren’t getting anything extra by being forced to stay home and take care of themselves. It’s very difficult.)
